"Hard work and lifting heavy shit cures all and makes negative people look like assholes."

- Sam, helping me celebrate hitting the "impossible" dream of a pull up

"Enough with the bullshit. Put your hands down on the floor."

- Sam, after listening to me whine about not liking to be upside down on hspu

"You're giving me a heart murmer."

- Sam on nutrition questions (about the 498th of the week)

"No stripper pole deadlifts."

- Sam, while demonstrating in oddly and disturbingly good stripper form

"What. Do you need me to write you a permission slip?"

- Sam convincing me it's ok to take a rest day

"That was from the cocaine dust I sprinkled in the chalk buckets."

- Sam on why I was seeing unicorns during 21-15-9 of squat cleans/sdhp

SAM: I'm not even gonna say it cause you know what you're doing." MEL: Psh. Wha? SAM: I don't want to see 20 minutes of string bean cleans. Land that shit or I'll kick you in the hamstring."

- Sam's gentler side showing while coaching Mel on cleans

"Kinda looks like you're doing the reverse Michael Jackson."

- Sam, upon seeing a huge bruise forming on my leg

ME: Sam, I don't know how I'm feeling about this 35lb kb. SAM: Reasoning? ME: It's heavy and it's gonna taking me f'ing forever. SAM: So you're saying the wod already won? ME: Psh, no, psh. SAM: Cause to me it sounds like you're saying the wod already won. ME: FINE.

"From there, a rhino could ram you in the ass and you wouldn't go anywhere...you're like Bam!"

- Sam explaining ring dip kip positioning to an athlete

"You writing a book in your head?"

- Sam, as I stood over a heavy deadlift wishing it would sprout wings and fly

Sam- "Tight Back." Athlete - "Sam, I have no effing clue what you're saying...it sounds like you're saying pate and you haven't taught me how to do duck liver yet." Sam- "I don't speak French. Now throw that shit over your head."

- Sam, on the finer points of snatches (oh lala)
Thanks, Stephanie!

"I've never looked up the macronutrient details of beets because I hate beets."

-Sam to Jenn

"It's a good thing I was talking to someone or I would've thrown my fan at you."

- Sam expressing his displeasure at Jacki's lack of squat depth

"Change what's in your mind. You understand what I'm saying? Don't be soft. It makes me want to punch someone in the throat when people go soft on me."

- Sam ever so gently explaining how I need to approach the snatch

"Is that gonna blow your ass out?"

- Sam after I suggested going higher weight on goblet squats

Beth: "Feeling better today, Sam?" (after feeling crappy two days ago) Sam: "Oh, yeah." Marty "You can tell because he doesn't have an attitude this morning." Sam: "Suck it, Marty."

- Sam, charming as usual at 6am

"You're in my morning bubble."

- Sam to an athlete who dared stand as close as 4ft away at 6am wod (Thanks, Beth!)

"Take care of the little shit. The materialistic shit will take care of itself."

- Sam on why it's not important to compare myself to everyone else on the board.

"When you stand, it's like you're trying to crack a walnut between your ass cheeks."

- Sam on proper form

"Got to get mom swole. Get mom buff."

- Sam suggesting in my paleo journal that I add a meal for optimal muscle development

"Pull your testicles out of your purse."

- Sam "encouraging" me to get over my whining about being sore.

"Fuckin dig it."

- Sam's notes in red on my paleo journal. Can't say I've ever had a teacher write that while grading my paper before.

"If your nipples don't touch the ground, I will jump on your back."

- Sam addressing the class regarding chest-to-deck expectations (Melissa)

"You just Tony Horton-ed."

- Sam commenting on me lifting the bar for push press. Still have no idea what that means, but since Tony Horton is hot, I'm assuming it's good.

"I'm giving you the 20lb slam ball cause I hate you. ha just fuckin with ya."

- Sam, who must be going through beer withdrawal

"If you don't get lower in that squat, I'm going to BUY you a Gold's membership."

- Sam to Christina on his disdain for no depth (and globogyms)

"A shit storm will fall upon thee."

-Sam to anyone who lays back on their tabata numbers

"Don't stiff-legged prison shower it."

-Sam on hang power clean form (via Melissa)

"Keep it close to your...undercarriage."

- Sam's advice on kb snatch swing technique

"Grab your balls and pull them up to your face."

- Sam getting the team ready for max wall balls (thanks, Bonnie!)

"You're putting on a clinic of what NOT to do."

- Sam referencing an athlete's double-under technique

"It's like you're a little bird...trying to fly the nest..."

- Sam, hoping mommy-talk will possibly help my suck OS form???????

"I just Alcatrazed your ass."

- Sam referring to slitting Jenn's throat with his car keys for whining for an hour

"You look like you're taking a shit in China. This isn't Taiwan-style."

- Sam on a little tooo much range of motion

"it's like a little gremlin...kicking me in the balls... when you don't get full range of motion. cough."

-Sam on back squats to Melissa

"This will not be a social hang out venue/chatty cathie power hour."

-Sam's open gym rules

"You're shortening my life span. I came in here at 26 and I'm leaving at 65."

-Sam to an athlete wrestling with bands (props jenn!)

"That's because she eats sugar and shits candy canes."

- Sam on why I smell worse than Martha Stewart (don't ask)

"If you insist on feeling bad about this, tell yourself to fuck off and listen to me. I know what I'm talking about."

-Sam addressing my meltdown after a killa WOD

"€£+*^%#. $&&%#^ $&@%<.

-Sam on someone who questioned his math on splits.

"Word. Don't step in shit or I'll kill you."

-Sam complimenting ("?") my new kicks

"Ok, but that would be cheating. Like wearing Depends on a 5K."

-Sam on Rex's kb balancing (53lb I might add! Go girl!)

"What's with that lift? Did you just buy a 1 year membership to Gold's Gym?"

- Sam on his disdain for D's muscle snatch form