"I'm gonna OG the shit outta that pick up."

- Sam, upon receiving instructions to pick Jess' kids up from school

"Haha hookers are funny. Kinda like baby seals learning how to swim in shallow water. Weird. But fun."

- Sam. Just Sam, to sis Ashley

"This is a little 'Sammy Says Sesh.' "

- Sam, directing mobility, which seemed an awful lot like yoga to me.

Sam: "Rack it up." Me: "Whyyyyy?" Sam: "When you look like you're taking a poop just squatting with a 33lb bar, you're doing mobility. Now, rack it up."

-Sam.  Who was probably right.

Sam's response when I asked for info on gloves for pull ups:

Me (whining): I hate toes to bar. They make me feel like an asshole!! Sam: Maybe you ARE an asshole.

- Sam, he always knows how to make you feel better.

"Get under control. This isn't slip n slide."

-Sam to Macie on back squat

"You're like a baby crying and pooping in the corner and I have to come clean up your shit."

- Sam to Kallie on MU practice

"That chick is gonna give me an f'in heart murmur one of these days. She's good shit, but damn the little lady is starting to take days off my life."

- Sam, after Macie took an unplanned dismount off of the pull up bar and landed in the ER

Jessica MM: "So, I'm probably taking my life into my hands by asking you a question this early..." Sam: No, I'd take your life for you. But what's your question?"

- Sam being his normal, chipper 6am self

"DO NOT kip this pull up. If you do, I'll kick you so hard Macie will feel it."

-Sam instructing me on strict pull ups

"Remember a couple of months ago when I said that was the most perfect squat you had ever done? Forget that. You just did the complete opposite."

- Sam, expressing his disdain for my (admittedly horrible) squats in warm up

"How's your shit?"

- Sam's gentle way of asking Macie (or anyone) how their injuries are feeling

"Don'tchoo be lookin at my boy like dat."

- Sam to Macie, who was looking at the whiteboard with her hand on her hip

"If I saw them littering would have karate chopped their shit in the neck. That's one of the places that'll do the most damage. But now somebody'd probably turn me in for child abuse. It was much better when there weren't so many laws. "

- Sam on children after finding candy wrappers in the boxes (thanks, Jess!)

"Don't Think Just Move and Let's All Crush Shit."

- Sam on 13.1

"I'm not a momma bird that needs to throw up in your mouth anymore."

Sam encouraging kallie to be more independent

"That's fine, but do mobility. This is not a cigar bar."

- Sam, after I explained to him that I'd rather "do mobility" than the wod

"How ya feelin? Want me to tell you how ya feel?"

- Sam as I stood there wondering if I should increase my C&J weight

"I'm about to shove my vans so far up your ass I'll need to buy new shoes because of you."

- Sam threatening Jenn as per usual

"I could punch you in the stomach and you could still do a thruster at 53."

- Sam on why he wanted me to go lighter for 75 thrusters today