"There will be no Tom Foolery. I am watching you and if you don't keep your shit tight I will scream curse words you have never heard."

-Sam on dead lifts (thanks Rex!)

"Keep. Your. Hands. On. Top. Of. The. Bar."

-Sam in a very quiet, measured, frightening tone after some asshole put a hole in the wall with a bad bar bounce. (me)

"I want perfect deadlift form. Do NOT make me throw up."

-Sam on his aversion to sucky technique

"Put your balls in my box."

- Sam. just Sam. (by Jen W)

"Keep your shit rigid."

- Sam, because sometimes tight is not tight enough. (thx Jen W)

"Try to find a place that makes you want to crap yourself so you can go home."

- Sam on finding acupressure points with lacrosse ball

"When your fear tears start and your hand is tingling and pain is shooting to your brain, you're doing it right."

- Sam on lacrosse ball roll outs

"Quit your slap-dickin!"

- Sam by Jen

"2 more inches!"

- Sam by Christina

(cue "That's what she said comments.")

"Pick it up! Pick it up!"

- Sam. Every. Fucking. Day.

"Roger!!! You're about to make me use the Lord's name in vain."

- Sam by Jenn Woodmansee

"WUUUURRD."

- Sam. (thanks, Christina! Perfect!)

"Keep your shit tight."

- Sam. Every. Fucking. Day.

"Just fucking eat."

- Sam on my 1,000,000th Paleo question

"Rub some dirt in it."

- Sam on my open, bleeding hand blisters

"This isn't housewife fitness."

-Sam on why I’m trying to get bigger while all of my momfriends are trying to get smaller

"They complain about the cuss words in my music. Sons of bitches."

- Sam on the warehouse workers next door

"ASS OUT! ASS OUT! ASS OUT! KNEES OUT! KNEES OUT!"

- Sam. Every. Fucking. Day.

"I'm fuckin regulatin' in here today."

- Sam after chewing my 7 yo’s ass for talking to me during a WOD

"It shouldn't feel all 'ponies and ice cream.' You're looking for 'dragons and spit.' "

- Sam on lacrosse ball

"Do not drop the kettlebell. I may or may not fuck with you."

-Sam on goblet squats/tuck jumps max reps

"Wipe the sweat off my balls."

- Sam on wall balls