Me: "Sam, I've heard it's called a 'healing crisis." Sam: "Oh yeah? It's gonna be a healing crisis when I punch you in the face."

-Sam weighs in on my shoulder feeling worse after acupuncture 

"You're talking about extremes. One extreme is orthopedic surgery, the other is Willie Nelson's $@&?! hippie brother."

-Sam on my acupuncture treatment to avoid the orthopedic doc

"Members of the gym have volunteered to run class while all the coaches are out of town. Make sure to listen to them as they’ll be in charge while we are gone."

-Ok, Dad, we promise to be nice to the babysitters. :)

"Dude. Don't touch my coffee. That's like playing with a man's dick."

- Sam to Ricky after Ricky dared move his coffee cup at 6am

"I can't stop staring at Ricky's butt to make sure his tights are anatomically correct."

- Sam on Ricky's very special tights

"Can someone just give me a razor blade?"

-Sam, on his explanation of a lift to an athlete who shouldn't need any explanation 

"This ain't F$%#^ing Burger King. We ain't doing shit Kristin's way."

- Sam, after Kristin fell on her ass during snatches

"They're probably not scared of me cuz our interacting with each other. They probably view me as a panda bear, but instead of having black circles around my eyes it turned into a beard. You've turned me into a panda bear. That hurts my street cred, bro."

- Sam to Beth on why her kids aren't afraid of him

"I'm more worried about that transient hobo, Milligan."

- Sam, on Jess MM

"Rex, you're an athlete, and by athlete I mean 'Idontlistentomybodyeverandmakesamslifealivinghellthelete."

- Sam, self explanatory

"Good thing I douse my beard with anti-flammable avocado oil conveniently laced with rose merry extract."

- Sam, on the flammability of his beard

Sam: Wow, Rex, you've been here every day this week! Rex: Yeah, that probably means I won't come again for a few months. Sam: GD it, Rex! See, why do you make me take the Lord's name in vain?

- Sam and Rex having a conversation about her...inconsistent class attendance

"I was gonna wear tube socks today. If I did, I would take one off, fill it with [round counters] and beat the shit out of you with it. Prison style."

-Sam, who is tired of my injuries